Big Brother

When I was a little girl, I thought my big brother was the smartest, coolest most talented person I knew. I was completely under his spell. He knew best, so I believed everything he said. Even when he told me I wasn't very smart, or that I was obese.

His spell weaned as we got older and I saw how emotionally retarded he was. How difficult it was for him just to brush his teeth, let alone hold down a job or a relationship.

He eventually got wise and married a girl that would be his mother for years. She enabled him to be the perpetual teenager that he is. But that ship is sinking. The wife wants out. And I don't blame her. I feel guilty for not being there for my brother and siding with his wife. He thinks I don't know anything about the situation. That he is being wronged.

I know that he is wrong. So, I will let go of this guilt and grieve instead, for the big brother I never really had.

Baby Jesus

Hanging out with my niece the other day, I discovered that she names all her dolls, "Baby Jesus." This is incredibly, ironic considering the first time I met her mother, she told me she was an atheist. Regardless, it reminds me of a story that I have told before but never written about.

In my early twenties, I lived in Boston for a year. During this time I was pretty impressionable, and miserable to boot. One evening, I was so unhappy about who knows what, that I said out loud, "if there is a God show me a sign."

The next morning, on my way to my waitress job downtown, I had an encounter with a homeless man. I was headed out of the T station, when I noticed an elderly, Native American man walking towards me. His back was bent over so severely, that he needed a cane to walk. Right as he was about to pass me, he said, "Hi Suzy." I was in disbelief, I kept walking but then turned around to see that the man had stopped in his tracks and was smiling at me. I walked further, and turned to look at him again and he was waving. Right as I was about to turn the corner of the building and he would no longer be in my sight, I looked one last time, and he was blowing me a kiss.

Right then and there, I remembered the night before when I had asked God for a sign. I felt an electric current pulse from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. I wanted to fall over and get on my knees immediately. However, there was work to be done, and I was late.

When I walked into work, the other servers were setting up their stations. Most of my fellow employees were older and wiser, and obviously just waiting tables temporarily until their book was finished or their record deal came through. It was definitely an eccentric group, one that I found to be enlightened. Don't ask me why, I can't remember. So, while rolling napkins for the downtown business crowd, I told a select few of my holy encounter. Everyone seemed slightly indifferent to my story. I wanted people to get on their hands and knees, God had spoken to me. But, my fellow waiters and waitresses were not sharing my enthusiasm.

After work, I was desperate to get home and call my amazingly, spiritual mother and share the unbelievable news with her. She also was hesitant, but nice nonetheless.

It was husband, (my boyfriend at the time) that really put a pin in my balloon. I told him the story in it's entirety, even my fear as to why God came to me, in such a twisted physical form. He listened quietly and when he was sure that I was done, he asked, "How do you know, he didn't say, 'Hi Sweetie'?".

The Terrible 35's

Apparently 35 is the new terrible 2's. I'm not saying I don't enjoy my age. I feel however, like I am in toddlerdom when it comes to adulthood. Granted I have been an adult legally for 17 years. But, the human brain doesn't finish physically developing until the age of 25, so really that's 10 years of adulthood. I think what I'm trying to say here is, that I haven't been an adult long enough to not fall back into adolescent behavior. It's a strange age, I could very possibly be middle aged. Yet, I've still been a child longer than I have been an adult. But, lately it's been feeling like my young number is up and it's been causing quite the tantrums and acting out.

No worries though, I have read all the best child rearing books I can get my spindly hands on.